Very Secret Journals of Pirates of the Caribbean
by bardvahalla
Summary: Based on Brigit Jones' Diaries. Now with more teh gayness!
1. Chapter 1

The Very Secret Journal of Captain Jack Sparrow

By Bardess 2004

_(For Witchcat)_

Day 1 - Have had Pearl stolen by that insufferable fop, Barbossa, and mutinous crew. Also, have completely run out of waterproof eyeliner. Am v. v. put out.

Day 2 - Have managed to make it to Port Royal 'Pain'. Have been at sea WAY too long. Am now walking as if I am gayer than a bouquet of balloons. Well, I AM gayer than a bouquet of balloons, but that's not the point.

Day 3 - Tried to steal ship. Instead saved Governor's daughter from drowning. Was really trying to save her nice dress but lack of oxygen impeded brain function. Prob. not my size anyway.

LATER:

Made stupendous escape. Did not smear makeup at all. GO ME!

Day 4 - In an effort to avoid capture, crossed swords with a v. pretty, bearded lady in the blacksmith's shop. Was knocked unconscious by drunken smithy before could get her number. Am now imprisoned. Hoping for open-minded roomie with eyeliner fixation.

Day 5 - Black Pearl in port. BASTARDS! I mean, I JUST had that ship nicely redecorated and they switched it over to the grunge look! Honestly, that was SO five decades ago! Why do those pansy ass ruffians have to act like a bunch of bloody pirates?

Oh right. They ARE pirates.

Day 6 - V. pretty, bearded lady showed up to break me out of prison. Wait - she's no lady. Tis Bootstrap Bill's young whelp, Will Turner!

Mmmm… wonder if he knows why we called his dad "Bootstrap"? Mayhap the nut didn't fall far from the oak, savvey?

Day 7 - Have stolen British ship. Found plenty decent eyeliner (and some v. interesting toys) in Commodore's locker. YAY!

Told Will his dad was a pirate. Will had complete hissy fit over THAT. (Can't imagine what he'd say if I told him his dad liked being tied up and spanked by men who wear earrings.)

Day 8 - Will droning on and on about his undying love for that Governor's daughter, Elizabeth. Am so totally not buying it. Caught him trying on MY eyeliner. Daddie's little boy, indeed!

Day 9 - Saved the girl. Lost the medallion. Will Turner toast.

Left on desert island with governor's well-endowed daughter, 300 gallons of rum and one bullet. I wonder what MacGyver would do?

Day 10 - Got completely wasted last night. Had a dream about being dressed up in frilly outfits by smoking, bearded ladies. Woke up to find rum barrels on fire and that silly bint, Elizabeth simpering. "I must save my true love, Will Turner." Suspect it's because I walk like a drag queen in v. cheap high heels.

Still. Doing it 8 times over a rum barrel with v. macho metropolitan ME isn't good enough for her? Whatever. But she ain't getting her thong back.

Day 14 - Saved by British Navy Commodore. All snippy with me when Gov. around but as soon as his back is turned it's, 'You never CALL. You never WRITE. You KNOW I can't take that sort of rejection." Then the whiny, overdressed, little git confiscated my thong.

He ran his flag up my pole, but I never promised to salute, savvey?

Day 15

Gone after Capt. Barbossa AGAIN! Will NOT fail this time. He is SO dead.

Well, MORE dead than he already IS, savvey?

Day 16 - Barbossa totally dead. YAY!

Found tons of high quality loot. Can redecorate Pearl again!

Will being SUCH a darling. Quick jaunt to Port Royal to stock up on hypo-allergenic cosmetics then OFF for a well-deserved foray of sailing into romantic sunset.

Day 17 – Oh knickers! Have been sentenced to hang by jealous Commodore and uber-faggot Governor. Obstensibly because of past crimes, but rather suspect it's really because they consider themselves the Port Royal Fashion Police. Bastards!

Right! Remember this day! This was the day Capt. Jack Sparrow was well hung!

Day 18 – Pretty boy Will risked his life and reputation to save me from the noose! Pretty, darling boy! Once we're safely on the run together, will show young Turner the true meanings of 'Swabbing the Deck' and 'Filling the Hold'.

Day 19 - WTF? Will pretending to WANT high maintenance, clotheshorse Elizabeth more than ME! Is obviously going for the benefits of being in 'Society'. Shallow, little golddigger! As if!

First time he uses one of those fancy forks incorrectly, they'll squash him like a bug.

Besides, he could make a fortune in a few dirty weekends posing as a pretty, bearded lady for perverted, pirate fanciers, savvey?

WHY is it nobody wants me, even tho I'm really hot? Mayhap because I insist on this daring 'Tammy Fay" look?

Day 20 – Will determined to become 'respectable'. Am livid! Have sulkily returned to Pearl. Off to pillage, loot, hire interior decorator, etc.

Shall absolutely refuse to do sequel unless I get to snog Turner properly.


	2. Chapter 2

The Very Secret Diary of William Turner, son of "Bootstrap Bill" Turner 

By Bardess/Bardvahalla 2004

(For jknash)

Day 1 – Off to Governor Swann's house to deliver sword. Am wearing steel

chastity belt this time due to Gov. and his 'wandering hands'. Do all

toffs who commission swords get that familiar with lowly apprentices?

Day 2 – Miss Swann being V. V. familiar. (Takes after her father a bit.) She groped

at my lowers and whispered, "Is that a steel chastity belt or are you just glad

to see me?" Thought she would be pleased to hear her first guess was right on,

but she flounced away fuming for some reason.

Day 3 – Blacksmith Brown v. drunk again. Keep trying to give me sloppy hickey.

Keep telling him I am NOT a girl. Says he likes his lassies with a bit of

facial hair. Was forced to hit him with mallet. Honest employment simply not

worth it.

Day 4 – Nasty pirate with cosmetic fetish challenged me to duel. Blacksmith

Brown knocked him out while bellowing for the entire regiment to hear, "No one

tries it with my scruffy, little chew-toy."

I am SO looking for another line of work.

Day 5 – Elizabeth - I mean MISS Swann- kidnapped by semi-dead pirates! I feel

compelled to save her honour. (Commodore was not exactly in a huge rush to save

her. Kept looking toward the jail in dreamy-eyed fashion, hiding lowers with

map. Why are military types are always hung up on paperwork?)

Day 6 – Have broken Capt. Jack Sparrow out of jail. He has agreed to help me

save El –er –Miss Swann in exchange for … well, I'm not exactly clear what he

wants from me. Something about gravity and nuts and oak trees. Funny, he doesn't

seem the type interested in large hardwoods.

Day 7 - We have stolen the Dauntless and the Interceptor. Commodore most

annoyed. Threatened us with whippings, beatings and cabin boy service in the

British Navy. Sparrow did not seem intimidated. In fact, seemed to want to turn

ship around. Must be my imagination.

Day 8 – Beard still not growing fast enough. Borrowed some eyeliner to thicken

it up a bit. Sparrow noticed but said he was not buying my explanation.

Told me daddy was a nasty pirate into the sort of accessories usually deemed for

women. Fingers in ears LALALALALALALALALAAAA!

Day 9 – Saved Elizabeth. Found medallion. Nearly drowned. (Eyeliner used on

beard all washed away. Must use waterproof stuff next time.)

LATER- Lost Medallion. At mercy of Capt. Barbossa. Elizabeth forced to strip

before nasty pirates. Barbossa v. possessive of fancy dress. Are all pirates

this obsessive about ladies apparel?

Day 10 – Have been taken to pirate lair. V. boring waiting to be sacrificed.

Tried on a few dresses to kill time. Honestly, the way this lot just STARES at

me, like they've never seen a lightly bearded man in a woman's sheer skivvies

before.

Day 11 – Wonder if Elizabeth misses me? Must be v. tedious stranded on island

with Capt. Sparrow. Perhaps she'll teach him to play cards or something.

Barbossa most annoying. Keeps picking lock on my chastity belt.

Day 12 – Saved by British Commodore. Made good on his threat. Shan't be able to

sit for a week. Why are British Navy Officers into so many sorts of spanking

games? Deters mutiny? I'm not buying that!

Day 13 – Capt. Sparrow offered me position on Black Pearl. Am considering. Beats

going back to the drunken, grabby, smithy. Will get some respect as pirate.

Besides, am kind of into wearing ladies outfits now. Will see if he throws in

some waterproof eyeliner to seal deal.

Later - Commodore acting v. odd with Sparrow. Wanted to see Sparrow's Jolly

Roger. Do not think he meant flag.

Day 14 - Have saved Sparrow from gallows. No reason, really. Just felt like

risking my life and reputation to save an uber-effeminate buccaneer with a

nancing gait. Miss Swann, I mean, Elizabeth v. v. friendly suddenly. All

"pirates are so tedious" and "Have I ever told you that you look great in

taffeta?" Is suddenly v. keen to have me shave beard. Why?

Day 15 – Sparrow offering me life of adventure at sea as high end interior

decorating apprentice. Elizabeth offering me high society marriage and all the

girly clothes I want on land. Both suddenly wanting me to go to sleep-overs and

try on make-up. Am confused.

Both v. pretty, tho Elizabeth smells better.

LATER: Have decided to go with Swann and not Sparrow. After all, a bird on the

land is worth two in the tush.

Day 16 – Sparrow all mopey. Complaining I don't think he's attractive enough,

that he's too happy about something, and a lot of other things I don't quite

understand. Who the hell is Tammy Fay, anyway? Silly pirate.

Day 17 – Commodore sent note. Wants to throw me stag party aboard Dauntless.

Promised lots of party games and salty snacks.

LATER - Mental note. Commodore is a very, very peculiar man. Avoid in future.

Day 18 - Wedding:Night

Oh dear. Has ANYONE seen the key to my chastity belt?


	3. Chapter 3

The Very Secret Journal of Miss Elizabeth Swann

By Bardvahalla/Bardess 2004

(For Lindorien)

Day 1 – Having a lie in and playing with gold medallion I stole, er- am keeping safe for Will Turner. Daddy being tedious and 'buying me' kinky undergarments again. Don't know why he pretends they're for me. They've already been worn AND they're three sizes too large.

Day 2 – Will Turner popped by with v. long, steel sword for Daddy. I thought blacksmiths eventually developed huge arm muscles, but Will is still quite dainty even after a 10 year apprenticeship. Whatever he's doing for Smithy Brown, it certainly doesn't involve hard, manual labor.

Day 3 – Captain N. promoted to Commodore. Daddy gave me dress he claimed was new, but really was far too small for him. Like I want to wear his castoffs!

Commodore proposed sham marriage. As if I'd ever wed that tedious, flaming ponce! Bad enough I get Daddy borrowing my unmentionables, but like I want anyone else manhandling my undergarments. Not!

Day 4 – Flung self into sea rather than wed Commodore. (Little pounce so cannot take a hint.) Saved by ruggedly pretty pirate into heroin chic look. (Bit of a squick tho - walks like he's got a cat-o' nine tails shoved in back passage.) Still, Capt. Swallow has awfully spiffy tattoo. Made daring escape so didn't get his number. Managed a cheap squeeze before he ran off. Unlike that 'patience is a virgin' Will Turner, Capt. Spit- no, Swallow –no, sorry- SPARROW! doesn't have his pieces o' eight buried deep.

Day 5 – Kidnapped by v. manly, rugged pirates! WHEEE! Leader - Capt. Barbossa - is rather compulsive-obsessive re: Will's Medallion. Wants entire collection, three cereal box tops and my blood. Something about a curse. Was given yet ANOTHER cast off dress. Honestly! Even 'rugged pirate" types completely fashion challenged. What does a girl have to do around here to get some NEW clothes?

Day 6 – Dinner with Barbossa. Thought he was a bit appealing at first. Thought mayhap I might get a little slap & tickle with the old bugger, but as turns out he is deader than a parrot at a John Cleese festive. Whoever coined the phrase 'getting boned' obviously hadn't had to put up with this lifeless lot.

Day 7 – Saved by dainty Will and nancing Capt. Sparrow. Gave Will his stupid medallion back. Told him I forgot it accidently fell down my bodice ten years ago. Don't think he's buying it.

Later: He's still wearing that blasted chastity belt. What the hell is THAT all about?

Day 8 - Barbossa chasing us. Says he wants the golden Aztec medallion, but I know he just wants his stupid dress back. Bastard.

Day 9 – Will buggered up everything, the stupid git. Was forced to walk plank, strip to skivvies and swim to deserted island with Capt. Sparrow. Jack immediately started making rum cocktails with those funky little umbrellas in them.

Screw Pirates, Turner, the Commodore and Port Royal. This is gonna be FUN!

Day 10 – Sparrow shagged me senseless. Kept calling me "Will." Then in a drunken stupor tried to draw facial hair on me with eyeliner. Am v. v. upset. (He also swiped my best thong and denied he was wearing it. Bloody pirate!)

Day 11 – Set rum barrels on fire. Claimed attempt to signal fleet to save "true love" Will. Was really just trying to annoy Sparrow. Still refuses to return my knickers! Will have to buy new ones anyway. (CanNOT comprehend how he manages to wear those dreadlocks on his lowers.)

Day 12 –Undies returned by Commodore. YAY!

Later: Daddy chasing Commodore, who is strangely emotional about Jack Sparrow, who is obviously hung up on Will Turner, who is dotty over me (despite stealing his bling bling). Will IS a pretty boy, isn't he? And about my size too. Hmmm.

Day 13 – Barbossa dead. Really, really dead this time, not that 'sort of, not killable because he's not quite really dead due to the Aztec curse thing' dead. Managed to swipe goodly quantity of uncursed gold in cave. GO ME! First chance I am so buying some clothes that girly men haven't worn first.

Day 14 – Daddy so anal. Capt. Jack Sparrow sentenced to hang until dead. Officially due to 'piracy', but mostly due to him getting mascara all over the Commodore's good uniform. Daddy hates that waterproof sort. That stuff just does NOT wash out.

Should test new cosmetics on Will. Little darling has such sensitive skin.

Day 15 – Will Turner made daring rescue of Capt. Sparrow. Those two are definitely the first place winners of the Uber-Girly Tag-Team Fencing Competition. Does Sparrow really walk like that, or is it just an affectation? Probably really walks like that.

Day 16 – Made offer to Will of matrimony. He accepted! Sparrow all sulky and whiney. Has flounced off to his badly decorated ship. Good riddance! I'll put the word out. See if one decent interior designer in the Caribbean tri-city area will DARE do lunch with him!

Day 17 – Clueless Will off to 'stag party' on Dauntless. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the Commodore's cabin tonight! HEE!

Day 18 – Wedding night. - Shaved off Turner's beard and made him try on wedding dress. Is it just me, or does William Turner look like a lesbian? Perhaps is just me.

Day 19 – Am going shopping. Am going straight to Men's Department. Hope they have a decent selection of Men to choose from.

Later: Mood IRATE! Still haven't found blasted key!


	4. Chapter 4

The Very Secret Journal of Commodore Norrington

Day One.

Mummy has bought me an Officer's commission. She's says it's a man's life in the British Navy. Am very excited but also am sad. Cannot take my dresses with me.

Day Two

On board ship. Captain says I will have to undergo very strict discipline whether I need it or not.

Day Three

Have left port. Captain says I am to grow my hair long, and then showed me contents of secret trunk. DRESSES! … and several leather items I am not familiar with. Must be a British Navy thing.

Day 3653

On route to Port Royal with Governor Swann and daughter. Maintaining strict discipline, nasal accent and anal-retentive demeanor.

Later:

Had quiet cry in cabin. Still no word from that slut, Jack Sparrow. Still has my good thong! Bloody pirate!

Day 3657

Rescued poor boy from savage pirate attack. Governor gave boy to daughter. Thought she was a bit young for that sort of thing but later caught young Elizabeth with her hands down the boy's trouser pockets! Her lame excuse was she was looking for more gold medallions. Big fat fib, that.

Day 5849

Promoted to Commodore. Will be given shiny new sword at Official presentation. Was given selection of lovely new dresses and accessories at unofficial booze-up night before. Spotted Will Turner in town. Lovely lad – still, not much muscle tone for a blacksmith. Must only be pumping Smith Brown's bellows, as it were.

Day 5849

Proposed to Miss Swann. Poor girl so overwhelmed with my British male presence she fainted dead away, off cliff and into ocean. Was going to make daring rescue, but realized salt water would greatly damage my costly new velvet knickers and so let some riffraff below on shore do it.

LATER

JACK SPARROW!

That sneak! The nerve! Showing up in Port Royal after all these years and trying to make off with MY heiress! Well, he can't have her! Dresses don't grow on trees!

Pretended not to know him, but I know every tattoo on his well-muscled arms and on his surprisingly supple backside, and then there's that darling little beauty spot on the nape of his neck - …Sorry, got off topic there.

Day 5850

Naughty Sparrow tried to fly away so I've thrown him in prison. A few days languishing in there ought to bring him round to my terms. For one thing, that stupid Mascara has got to go. It just NEVER washes out of my shirts properly.

LATER

Am most distraught. Black Pearl showed up, blew up Port Royal and now my heiress is missing.

Governor rather upset. Without daughter Gov. cannot order dresses and ladies skivvies without appearing foppish. Bit late for that actually, but am under orders to get her back. Most annoying.

Day 5851

MY ships have been stolen by 'Captain' Jack Sparrow and that little virgin blowhard, Will Turner! Bad enough that bloody pirate broke my heart, dumped me, then showed up again and performed MY daring rescue, but NOW he's taken off with the prettiest boy in town and the fastest ship in the fleet. Honestly, Jack can be such a selfish little shit.

I am SO tense right now. Off to flog a certain sailor. Best pirate he's ever seen? Uppity bastard!

Day 5855

Spotted humongous beach party fire.

Found Miss Swann on beach nursing substantial hangover and… Oh look! It's 'Captain' Sparrow.

Oh my. I simply must interrogate the good captain at length. That will teach him to play with my heart… er… toys!

Later:

Cross-dressed - er..examined Sparrow repeatedly. Governor insisted on being able to watch. Retrieved frilly thong from Sparrow. Was Miss Swann's, not mine. (Is apparent Miss Swann is quite the adventuress. Must compare notes re: CJS)

Miss Swann determined to rescue Will Turner. Can't blame her really. Turner IS rather pretty. Am certain Miss Swann and I can come to some sort of arrangement re: Mr. Turner.

Day 5857

Saved Will Turner. Found key to his chastity belt. Defeated pirates. Condemned Sparrow to death. Miss Swann to marry me and share contents of closet.

All in all a v. good day.

Day 5859

Sparrow unexpectedly rescued by Will Turner. Well, the stupid boy will simply have to learn the hard way that Sparrow is all wax and no wick when it comes to commitment.

Day 5860

WTF!

THAT LITTLE FOP TURNER HAS STOLEN MY HEIRESS, DAMMIT! How am I going to afford new dresses now?

Day 5861

HA! Sparrow all huffy because Turner dumped him for Swann! About time Pirate got a taste of his own medicine.

Still … WHY ISN'T JACK INTO ME ME ME!

LATER

Will throw wild stag party to show everyone am not at all bothered by Jack Sparrow leaving. Nope. I'm not upset. Not one LITTLE BIT!

Day 5862

Bachelor Party tonight on board the Dauntless.

Turner RSVP'd me. Is planning on coming.

_So am I._


	5. Chapter 5

**The Very Secret Journal of Capt. Jack Sparrow (Part II)**

_By Bardvahalla (2006)_

Day 1 – 'Compass' not pointing at all. V. embarrassing. Feel inadequate.

Day 2 – Bootstrap popped by for drink. Developed terrible skin problem. Offered to loan him my Dead Sea cosmetics line, but only aggravated him by asking.

Day 3 – Davy Jones all snippy. Has cursed hand with icky mark. Date with Palm sister totally off. Prob. for best as 'compass' still not working. Jones determined to make me give up Captain rank to serve on the Flying Retchman.

As if. He can eat me.

Day 4 – Have beached Black Pearl in effort to avoid Jones. Hate dead Monkee. Hate Davy Jones. Like Mike Nesbitt's hat, tho.

Day 5 – Cannibals always want to eat me. Mayhap try different cologne?

LATER

Oh , Will Turner's just turned up. Still wearing chastity belt. Swine upset with still unconsummated marriage? Or just wants to serve under my Jolly Roger again, savvey?

Day 6 – Pits. That tease Turner STILL wants Miss Swine. Wonder if he ever find the bloody key to his chastity belt?

Day 7 – Back on board Pearl. Little Willy Turner told me Lord Bend-It wants me compass. Heh. Don't they all? Told Will I'd trade for the key, savvey?

LATER - He thought I meant to his own lock box until I showed him the picture. Honestly, like can't he tell I'm so over him?

Day 8 – Turner suddenly v. clingy. Using up all my good make-up. Complaining about the lack of dresses. The nerve.

LATER – Popped by Tia's to pick-up something dirty. She was looking at Will like a nun at Chippendales.

LATER – Turner refused to shave off beard. Compass still not working. DAMMIT!

Day 10 - Gave Will to Davy Jones. Bet barnacle bum won't lend him HIS outfits.

Day 9 – In Tortuga to find 100 souls for Jones payment. Wish Jones would join modern world and get Air Miles. Ran into Norrington. He is SO copying my look and stalking me. Flattering, but disturbing little man. Always demanding a commitment.

Day 10 - Miss Swine and Norrington crewing on Black Pearl. Strangely, Miss Swine got me compass pointing in the right direction again. Must be the boy clothes. Am smitten!

NOTE – Am also finding the midget strangely attractive.

Day 11 – Miss Swine determined to get pretty Will Turner back. Offered cabin boy position but refused. Norrington obv. likes her in boy clothes too, but still v. hot for me. LATER- Norrington v. annoying, despite rugged new look. Is all pouty without any dresses on board. Tried Nair to rid face of facial hair. Got rash. Haha!

Day 12 – On land, found Davy Jones Chest. Not as buff and hairy as expected. No dresses in chest either. Poo!

LATER

Oh pits. That tart Swine found out I sold Turner to Jones. Is all huffy now. Icky black spot back on hand. Will have to use right one to 'polish me brass fittings' instead.

Day 13 - Turner found key to Davy Jone's chest! YAY!

Norrington found key to Turner's chastity belt! YAY!

Suggested wild, noisy threesome, but for some peculiar reason thought I meant prolonged swordfight and not what I really had in mind.

Day 14 – I have Jones' heart next to mind. Literally. Thought the experience would be more romantic somehow, though frankly since he visited Japan all he's interested in is tentacle sex.

Day 13 – Norrington took empty chest and ran off to save us. Good riddance. Was tired of finding him in my cabin trying on my bling-bling.

Day 14 – Jones still pissed. Wants his heart back. Don't they all?

Swine and Turner destroy the rum again. Dammit. Can't they just join AA or something?

LATER – That is one big effing Kracken. In retrospect perhaps not v. good idea to tell Jones to 'eat me'.

Day 15 – Miss Swine now all clingy, playing 'find my tonsil' with her tongue and suddenly v. into bondage game. Like, I'm into chains as much as the next guy, but her timing sucks, savvey?

Day 16 – Turner and Swine have run off with MY midget, dammit! Jones found me in chains, all oiled up, now wants to play a few rounds of Octopussy. Hate Jones. The ink just never comes out of my clothes.

Day 17 - Have gone down with Davy Jones. Is worse than I thought it would be. Keeps singing, "I'm a believer" all the bloody time. Snores also. Squelchy old git v. irritating.

LATER – Just realized. Made sequel and STILL didn't get to snog Turner! Bastard!


	6. Chapter 6

**The Very Secret Journal of Will Turner (Part II)**

_By Bardvahalla (2006)_

Day 1 – Official wedding ruined. Miss Swann…I mean, Elizabeth, sitting dejectedly in rain overwhelmed w/ emotional turmoil. Mascara all icky. Personally am glad. Bit of reprieve to find chastity belt key.

Day 2 – Arrested? Is Blacksmith Brown charging me with bigamy again?

LATER – This is all Sparrow's fault! I told him not to park the Pearl in a handicapped zone.

Day 3 – Lord Bennett offered deal. Wants key. Completely sympathize. Explained I had chastity belt issues too. Got very odd look.

LATER – Saw Miss Swann, Elizabeth, betrothed, moldering in prison. Made impassioned but v. chaste goodbye while Governor fretted about dress being ruined by dank conditions.

Day 4 – Searching everywhere for Capt. Jack. Tortuga ladies not v. fond of him. His stupid mascara has ruined many a gown apparently.

NOTE - Chastity belt starting to chaff.

Day 5 – Found Jack wearing more make-up than ever, hanging around half-naked savages into bondage and BBQ's. Why am not surprised.

Like his new cologne tho – v. spicy.

LATER – Am being held captive with v. limber and friendly midget.

Day 6 – Jack took me shopping at Tia's Swamp Emporium for ointment and myhap some information on a Jones person. Jack traded a dead monkey for a jar of filth. Told Jack she prob. be more helpful if he offered chocolate next time.

Tia v. v. friendly. Applied ointment. Not v. friendly when I offered her spare tube of Crest. Stuffed dead monkey down chastity belt, actually.

LATER – Hired Midget to pick stupid lock on belt. No luck, but persistent itch now gone.

Day 7 – Off to find Davy Jones, steal key, betray Jack to Lord Bennett and free Elizabeth's dress from dank cell. Also - pick up fragrance to rid lowers of dead monkey smell.

Day 8 – Every bloody time someone says the word 'Kracken" Jack makes rude suggestion about my backside. Hate Jack.

Day 10 – On board Davy Jones' ship, the _Dutchman's Fly_. Apparently paying Jack's debt involves being tied up, beaten and eating kalamari. Could be worse, I suppose.

LATER –Force to watch Hentai w/ Jones before, during and after. Completely off seafood diet now. Tentacles esp. v. unappealing. Miss midget.

Day 11 – DAD? Like…ew!

LATER – Hope icky skin condition not hereditary.

Day 9 – Accidentally touched Jones' organ while stealing key. EW! EW! EW!

Day 10 - Left Dutchman's Fly. Rowing boat for hours. Feeling burn. Getting wedgie.

LATER- GO ME! A ship!

LATER – Hello? DRESSES!

Day 11 –Met up w/ Miss Swann, Jack and Norrington. All obsessed with Jones' chest. Told them it was overrated. My nipples much perkier.

LATER - Why does every one keep giving me such odd looks?

Day 12 – Big 3 way with Jack and Norrington. Elizabeth all huffy about being left out despite wearing boy clothes.

Day 13 - Norrington all upset with Sparrow cuz Jack wants Davy Jones' heart and not his, so stupid Commodore carried on and on and on about resigning his commission, giving up dresses, working for months on his 'saucy pirate' look and taking a pay cut to crew the Pearl and "what the hell does a man have to do to get your attention anyway?" blah blah blah.

LATER – Norrington stole Jones' heart. Jack broke nail having hissy fit. Elizabeth suddenly playing with chains. Odd.

Day 14 – Midget saying Kraken is sucking Pearl into the depths. Asked if I could watch. Got odd look again.

Day 13 – Exsqueeze me? Why is MY fiancé sucking the gold fillings from Capt. Jack's face?

LATER - still upset. Midget v. comforting.

Day 14 – Jack eaten by Kracken. Technically is tragedy, but every time someone says it, I giggle.

Day 15 – Back at Tia's. Tried using fire poker to pry off chastity belt. No luck, dammit!

Day 16 – Elizabeth all whiney. "Capt. Jack a good man. V. limber. Liked rum and bearded clams."

If she likes HIM so much, why doesn't she just offer to go and SAVE him? Ha! As if!

LATER – Son of a BITCH!

Day 16 – Oh pits! Barbossa!

Day 17 - Walked in on Miss Swann & Capt Barbossa playing spanking game with monkey.

And I thought Norrington was peculiar.

Day 18 – Asked around for a blacksmith to make key to open stupid belt!

Gettong odd looks again.

LATER - Oh…. Wait….. DUH!


End file.
